God help me!


Do you ever wonder “Where is God in this?” or “Why is God letting this happen?” or “How could this possibly be God’s will?”  Well I do! There’s just some things in life that are hard to reconcile. Like why my 24 year old dear friend had a massive stroke when she was sober and doing the best to live spiritually and serve God. Thank God for good sponsorship! I still remember vividly the phone call I got that morning. I was at work in a meeting when my phone rang. I excused myself from the meeting for a minute to take the call and proceeded to begin wailing. Really sucking snot hard! That kind of crying that you can’t contain the noise or the almost hyperventilating breathing. I was devastated!

My boss pulled me aside and told me to go for a drive. I got in my car and promptly called my sponsor. She made me take 10 deep breaths in and out and made me count them out loud to her. Then she said, ” Are you listening?”  I said, “Yes.” She said, “You need to be. Are you ready?” I again said, “Yes.” She then exclaimed in a very stern and definite tone, ” This is NOT ABOUT YOU!”

Bam! Snapped back to reality from my self-pity, self-centered, self-absorbed feelings. Was it devastating, YES! But her family needed me, but not like that! They needed strength and assurance. They needed a shoulder or an ear. They needed help with their children. What they did not need was some self-centered, wailing, defeated mess!

This all happened about 14 months ago. She made it out alive, it was very touch and go for over a month. But her, her husband and her children’s lives are forever changed. I wouldn’t have been human if I hadn’t wondered those questions I formerly mentioned about God. I was able, through the grace of God and an awesome sponsor, to live to His purpose.

“Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God’s help, the knowledge that at home or in the world we are partners in a common effort, the well understood fact that in God’s light all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return … These are permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.” 12 and 12 -page 124

I am so forever grateful for the experiences God gives me, good or bad. Well, lets say I am grateful for them later down the road, because I am not always grateful for the bad ones at the time. I walked through that situation without it shaking my faith. Not everyone involved had the same experience as me. Some lost faith and questioned the existence of God and I completely understand why they did. That just wasn’t my experience.

So I rock along, 14 months later and I’ll be damned if I don’t have another situation arise that I have to ask God those same questions I did at the beginning of this blog. Another very dear friend of mine was blessed with a pregnancy after 38 years of a barren womb. We are 22 weeks in and she went into labor Monday night. She delivered the twin girls, Emery and Aylin, just before noon on Tuesday. Both the girls are angels in heaven now. I mean OMG! Are you freaking serious? Why? I am devastated yet again! I hurt so much for my friend! I feel just as helpless and lost as I did 14 months ago!

The first thing I heard in my head when I heard the new was my sponsor’s words, “This is NOT ABOUT YOU!”

“Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life.  That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account.  We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets.  The alcoholic’s past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one!” Big Book -page 124

I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a plan. I know that the only thing, just like last time, that will get me through this is true dependence on God. I know how to not make this about me and I know my purpose!

“Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.” Big Book- page 77

So I am leaning HEAVILY on God! I am focused on how I can serve! And my bags are packed to go do what AA has taught me so very well! WOW! How do you get from where I was 8 years ago……a me me me, what can I get from you, show up in the middle of the night unannounced and brake the tank on your toilet, self-serving, angry, psychopath…..to a woman who desperately longs to be of service in any way possible to my dear friend in her time of need? I’ll tell you how…… a total psychic change, a spiritual experience from actively working the 12 steps, in order as written and practicing the principles to the best of my ability and willingness on a daily consistent basis.

Man, I am so stinking grateful to God and AA right now I don’t even know how to act!

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After Birthday Night


My husband was out of town at a Men’s conference, so he missed out on Birthday Night (BN). When BN was over I checked my phone and I had a text from my awesome husband, it said……”you and I have been asked to speak at ______ Roundup May 10th”

My response, ” No No No No”

Him- ????, since when did you get allowed to say no?

Me- Answer your phone

Him- In meeting

Me- Was this your suggestion or idea? I will KILL you Mr Husband!

He called me after his meeting and SWORE he didn’t throw me under the bus! I gave him the 5th degree of how this conversation went down. I am still not totally sure I believe him!

Like I said I don’t like speaking! He, on the other hand, is completely comfortable behind the podium or anywhere else that he has everyone’s full attention. He speaks very well and I don’t just say that because he is my husband! See he has a nice sized ego, so you have to be careful with compliments HAHA! Love you hubs!

I can already see how this will go down….. they will love him and they will listen to me and wonder why I was chosen. I am no way near his caliber of speaker. But, regardless, he was right when he asked me in the text…….”When did you get allowed to say no?” The truth is I don’t! I dang sure wouldn’t call my sponsor and tell her that I refused to speak! I am not that stupid!

But o do still have the compulsion to confess, so I did call my sponsor. I told her my response and she laughed and said, “I think that is wonderful! It ain’t about you anyway!”  Then she gave me the same advice I have been given since I got sober , “Tell the truth and don’t say the “F” word.”  After all, it has always worked in the past!

Instead of fretting over this for the next 2 months, I will add this to my prayer and meditation, trust that God knows what He is doing and just get mySELF out of the way! I will keep y’all up on the craziness that goes through my head over the next 2 months. Peace!

It’s a WE deal!


You ever get the feeling that you just aren’t helpful or effective? That no one hears what you are saying? That they just don’t get the point? Well I do! But I have had it beat into my head that feelings aren’t facts! I’ve been told that since I got to AA. None of my sponsors have coddled me or listened to me whine about my “so-called” problems! It always been “where did you start the ball rolling”, or “what is your part in this” or “Man you really are sicker than I thought!”. I’m just kidding about the last one! Although it has been said to me and it is a realization I have come to myself!

But I am not the first one in the program to feel useless or it wouldn’t have talked about it in the bedevilments on page 52 of the Big Book. But God has always provided what I needed, as long as I have been wiling enough to look for it and to give Him credit. There was a period of time that I sponsored no one, truly I didn’t have what anyone wanted or what I wanted either. But when I finally started doing the work again and quit isolating myself from the people that had the answer and from the program, fellowship and service…..I began to get better.

Well that period of time was a while ago and I am not devoid of sponsees anymore. I actually went from 2 to 4 in one day! My first thought was…. “Man, God must think I’m real sick right now!” Truth be told, I love these women I sponsor! It lights me on fire when I see the light bulb come on! It’s better than any high I ever got off dope and booze! The book even tells us about it!

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives”.- Big Book page 89

Man has that been my truth! What a blessing and a promise! To go from a self-absorbed, self-centered, “me and mine” girl to wanting to help someone else…… I am amazed! Of course none of that would ever happen if I didn’t have God to reduce all the self, self, self! That was and is definitely a Big part of the equation!

“You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Big Book page 152-153

I have found them! I have made lifelong friends! I am bound to them, for they are my people! I have escaped disaster because they showed me the way out! I journey with them! I have experienced giving of myself, my time, my experience so that WE can not only survive but live! I have learned the meaning of “Love thy neighbor as thyself”! And I have been shown how to do this by some of the most wonderful people that were once hopeless just like me! It’s a WE deal! I get it!

It is freaking AMAZING!!!

Staying Alive


A girl told me today that I am such a good person! If she only knew! The truth is I am not. The longer I stay in the program the sicker I realize that I am, not that I was. They told me in the beginning that I was going to act myself into “right thinking” not think myself into acting right. Well that has turned out to be true. The Big Book says “When the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically.” page 64.

My brain still tells me all kinds of crazy things and I believe all kinds of delusional thoughts, fears, and ideas that can get me into all sorts of troubles. Nearly 8 years off what my friend calls “the sauce” and this mess in between my ears is still not a credible source. Thank God for friends who love me enough to tell me the truth, hurt my feelings and for strong Big Book sponsorship, I have learned it matters what I DO. So I DO A LOT. I move my feet A LOT in AA. I was taught that early on and that has been a saving grace for me.

Alcohol is a subtle foe and I am not exempt to what Earl Hightower calls “The Beast”. That sucker will tell me all sorts of craziness at any time. The funny thing about this spiritually fit thing is that I usually don’t know that I am spiritually fit in the moment…… I figure it out after the fact. So staying busy in action in AA is a very good thing for this girl!

I don’t keep my mouth shut because I shouldn’t say what has come to my brain, most of the time I do it because I DO NOT like making amends. I go places at all hours of the night because the book tells me I should act the Good Samaritan everyday. I answer the phone because our literature tells me that my life depends upon constant thoughts of others and how I may help meet their needs.

So NO, I AM NOT a good person but AA has taught me how to be a better person than I ever imagined I could be and believe me it has paid me more dividends than I ever could have imagined!

“Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect — unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.” – 12 and 12 page  24

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