Drunk Dialies


Have you ever been guilty of drunk dialies? I sure have….. more than I care to admit! This should clue you in a little on my age of sobriety! Notice I didn’t say drunk texting or drunk posting on Facebook or Twitter. Drunk posting probably even has some cool name in the Urban Dictionary.

Kinda like Pregame:
n. To drink before going to a party. This most often happens because they party where you are going to will be carding and you are under or because you want to drink something hard to start your night off. Often pregaming happens at the house and involves taking shots.

See back in my drinking days, this didn’t have some-sort of cool name, it was just drinking. Most of the time to save money, in my case, because I have never been a cheap drunk. So drinking at the bar was very expensive for me or for whoever was buying my drinks (usually some poor fool who thought I was interested in more than just lightening my financial load). I digress….

I would somehow get home from the bar, I blacked out a lot so it was rare for me to know how that happened at times. Apparently, due to said blackouts, I had no recollection of the phone calls I would make at 2, 3, 4, in the morning. I would pick up my phone, after I “came to”. I was most often panic-stricken due to the amount of blackouts I had. I never knew where I was going to wake up, how I got there, who would be with me or not with me for that matter. I would eventually get around to checking my phone and find that I called any number of people. It was often some old boyfriend or guy I dated(I use that term very loosely) or perhaps my ex-husband. I would never remember what we talked about when I looked at the length of the call or what kind of craziness I left on their voicemail.

I needed someone to take my phone from me when I started drinking, but that was NEVER gonna happen!

So I have been downloading new songs from iTunes, more appropriately, new songs to me or new to own. I was listening to the lyrics of “Should’ve Gone to Bed” by Plain White T’s. Best song about drunk dailies I have heard to date! Here’s a sample:

All day long I’m over you
Never really think of you
I keep you out of my head
But some nights when I’m striking out
You’re all I can think about
Just gotta have you again

So I down my cup
And then I hit you up
Saying way too much

Oh, I should’ve just gone to bed
I should’ve never called you
I should’ve listened to my head
When it said leave it alone
No, a few drinks in
Here I go missing you again
God only knows what I said
I should’ve just gone to bed

I should’ve turned the lights out
I should’ve called it a night
You should’ve never picked up my phone call
If you’re not sleeping here tonight

LOVE THIS! Brings back memories! Not fond ones but memories, nonetheless!

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It’s a WE deal!


You ever get the feeling that you just aren’t helpful or effective? That no one hears what you are saying? That they just don’t get the point? Well I do! But I have had it beat into my head that feelings aren’t facts! I’ve been told that since I got to AA. None of my sponsors have coddled me or listened to me whine about my “so-called” problems! It always been “where did you start the ball rolling”, or “what is your part in this” or “Man you really are sicker than I thought!”. I’m just kidding about the last one! Although it has been said to me and it is a realization I have come to myself!

But I am not the first one in the program to feel useless or it wouldn’t have talked about it in the bedevilments on page 52 of the Big Book. But God has always provided what I needed, as long as I have been wiling enough to look for it and to give Him credit. There was a period of time that I sponsored no one, truly I didn’t have what anyone wanted or what I wanted either. But when I finally started doing the work again and quit isolating myself from the people that had the answer and from the program, fellowship and service…..I began to get better.

Well that period of time was a while ago and I am not devoid of sponsees anymore. I actually went from 2 to 4 in one day! My first thought was…. “Man, God must think I’m real sick right now!” Truth be told, I love these women I sponsor! It lights me on fire when I see the light bulb come on! It’s better than any high I ever got off dope and booze! The book even tells us about it!

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives”.- Big Book page 89

Man has that been my truth! What a blessing and a promise! To go from a self-absorbed, self-centered, “me and mine” girl to wanting to help someone else…… I am amazed! Of course none of that would ever happen if I didn’t have God to reduce all the self, self, self! That was and is definitely a Big part of the equation!

“You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Big Book page 152-153

I have found them! I have made lifelong friends! I am bound to them, for they are my people! I have escaped disaster because they showed me the way out! I journey with them! I have experienced giving of myself, my time, my experience so that WE can not only survive but live! I have learned the meaning of “Love thy neighbor as thyself”! And I have been shown how to do this by some of the most wonderful people that were once hopeless just like me! It’s a WE deal! I get it!

It is freaking AMAZING!!!

Are you the Keymaster?


For lack of a better way of putting it, I was flat out tricked into this whole recovery thing, in more ways than one!

First of all, I thought I was checking myself into a drug rehab. I found out shortly after I got to The Faith that it was just a half-way house (no wonder they didn’t ask for insurance information). Half-way to what? Sanity I guess?!?! Although, I’m pretty sure even after spending 4 months there, I was not even half-way to that! My expectation was that I was going to a place where they were gonna lock me up and give me some “act right” medicine. What I got was an introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous, chores and structure. Therefore, trick number one.

Ok, ok, fine! I can make it without treatment! I can do it with AA but, I’m pretty sure it’s still ALL YOUR fault! I was still hating on everybody and running on anger because that was all I knew, but I was going to ALOT to of meetings. I was NOT real friendly because that it is what I was use for self protection, to keep everyone at arms length or preferably farther than that. Walls of sarcasm encircled me just like always. A girl asked me one day where I was from and I told her I was from “HELL” and that is all I would tell her. I mean mugged everyone! Despite my best efforts at pushing everyone away, they kept inviting me to come be a part of (I have NO idea why). They were very patient and kind about it. They let me stay in AA long enough to find out that you weren’t the problem, the problem was alcohol! Trick number two!!

Well Shit! I know now, that I was the last to know that I had a drinking problem! That sentence makes me snicker! My truth is that I had a drinking solution! I had a severe problem with sobriety! I hated everything about it! The way I felt in my own skin was absolutely unbearable and drinking was my solution to that. I rocked along in AA for a while and in the process of working the steps in the Big Book we eventually got to page 61″ Selfishness––self–centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self–delusion, self–seeking, and self–pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

What the HELL?

Did they just say its MY fault? Trick number three and paradoxically my key to freedom!

At the time it was very hard to swallow and in conflict to all my previous ways of thinking but these people had been right about everything else so far! But, here’s the deal…….if it’s all your fault I’m stuck! Stuck in this terrible place in my life where I will never feel any better or be any better. My life will always suck! Because I can’t change you, fix you, or ever make you act right, therefore I will never be happy. But if I am the problem…..if it’s ME and my selfish, self centered, ego-centric thinking, attitudes and behavior ………. then through the 12 steps and Power and Grace of God ………… I have a chance! They gave me the KEYS to my own freedom and it started with the realization that I AM THE PROBLEM!

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