Not NOW! Not TODAY!


Wish I could say that I have been a beaming angelic child of God lately but that would be entirely untrue. Life is just life! I am at least grateful that I know that no one is doing this or that to me. You know you have heard the sayings… Life on Life’s terms or Life on God’s terms or Life on my terms. I don’t know which is true or which reality I am actually living. That’s probably because my belief is that it is simply or complicatedly JUST LIFE.

My husband and I have said for years…..”When life slows down in a few months” or “When we have a weekend off from commitments”. You’d think we would have figured out by now, that is simply not gonna happen! There will always be something that comes up to plan into the mixing bowl which is our life. Even with all these gadgets and do-ma-hickies that make everything faster, none of them shorten my day. They do however allow me space to cram more stuff into the already over filled day. So, you start with this super crammed life that I have either created or participated in creating and then you throw in some anomaly like back taxes due to the IRS because I screwed up 3 years ago, my husband having the flu and me having a raging migraine simultaneously for 5 days, or our car was in the shop and then the car we borrowed breaks down while my husband is on the way to work. I could go on, but I’m not special! This kind of stuff happens to everyone.

“We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence” Big Book page 133

WHAT AN ORDER!!!! Truth is, this is not always the easiest thing to do. When trouble comes my first reaction is not to go skipping through the tulips with full trust and dependence on God. My first reactions is to FLIP SMOOTH OUT! No spiritual giant here, for sure! I usually calm down pretty quick because I get this uneasy feeling in my stomach that this is not how to act, treat other people or react in any given situation. My sponsor says, “at any given time I am either moving toward a drink or moving toward God”. I have this sneaky suspicion that letting my head spin like I am having an exorcism is in no way moving toward God! So what I usually have to do is regroup which most of the time comes down to me talking to God with skin on.

“When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn’t very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. These were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making.” 12 & 12 page 116

The coolest thing about this program, to me, is that we GET to practice it. Practice the principles. Practice turning our will over to His. Practice forgiveness. Practice reliance upon God. Practice! Practice! Practice! I think about all the years I spent playing basketball and the countless hours of practice I put in. I made tons of mistakes, air-balls, turnovers, bad passes etc. As long as I dusted myself off and tried again, I still improved and over time I made fewer mistakes. To practice is the repeated exercise in or performance of an activity or skill so as to acquire or maintain proficiency in it. So essentially I am trying to become proficient in a spiritual way of life.

No matter what my poorly planned, insane, inappropriate reaction to calamity, another persons behavior, or just simply &h!t Happens……… God can and WILL meet me right where I am! What an AWESOME gift that is! I don”t have to come to Him perfect! I just have to seek Him, not find……just continue to seek! And that folks is simply FANTABULOUS!

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Aside

Halloween Eve


I guess I’ve been a little nostalgic the last day or so. My first sobriety date was 10/30/04. I started this journey 9 years ago!!! Crazy that it has been long! I don’t see my relapse as having lost something, I really gained more experience and was truly able to concede to my innermost self that I am definitely alcoholic! So no regret! I had no idea 9 years ago what I was getting myself into but I was certain that I didn’t wanna live and be like I was. I was just dead on the inside.

Busy busy busy! But that is what a life of sobriety has given me…. A FULL Life! I’ve grown up and learned how to be a lady, although I don’t always act like it! I learned how to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and especially how to be a friend! I wasn’t really any good at any of those before sobriety. I guess I had my moments at times but I was never someone you could truly rely on.

“He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave.” Big Book page 164

AA has taught me how to suit up and show up in all areas of my life; work, family, service work, friendship etc. As a direct result of that, I have a very full life and many precious friends. That is 9 years worth of relationships that I have had the joy and sometimes the pain of developing. Some are here, some have moved, some don’t come around much, some aren’t sober anymore, and some have passed away. I wouldn’t trade any of those precious moments with any of those people for anything!

What’s funny to me is, I never would have thought that all of this that I have is what I truly wanted. But I also have learned if I wanna keep what I have, I have to continue to do “the work”! Practice the principles in all my affairs. That’s what the 12th step says.

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to you fellows. Clear away the wreckage of you past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.” Big Book page 164

Pretty clear directions of what I have to do to continue to grow along this spiritual path that I am on. That’s why my name is trudgingdestiny. It’s what I am doing everyday….. By the Grace of God.

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