Change in the Making


Totally not my normal post but I heard this song today….. And this is me! I’m a change in the making, thank God and Alcoholics Anonymous for that! So I thought I’d share with y’all. I’ve heard it said before, I’m not who I was but I’m not yet who I’m meant to be. That is a truth in my life! Through continued work, sacrifice, surrender, service, faith and dependence in my Higher Power…. One day I will get there! Haha! But by then, I’m sure there will be more to change and more to learn. After all, it’s about the journey not the destination!

Here’s the lyrics

There’s a better version of me
That I can’t quite see
But things are gonna change
Right now I’m a total mess and
Right now I’m completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
‘Cause You’re not through with me yet

And this is redemption’s story
With every step that I am taking
Every day You’re chipping away
What I don’t need
And this is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I am a change in the making

Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I would give a little more of me
Without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile
Without tripping on my own feet
Oh, but You’re not through with me yet

And this is redemption’s story
With every step that I am taking
And every day You’re chipping away
What I don’t need
And this is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be, oh

From the dawn of history
You make new and You redeem
From a broken world to a broken heart
You finish what you start in everything
Like a river rolls into the sea
We’re not who we’re gonna be
But things are going to change

I am living redemption’s story
With every step that I am taking
And everyday You’re chipping away
What I don’t need
And this is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I am a change in the making
I am a change in the making

I’m not who I’m gonna be
I’m moving closer to Your Glory

Change in the Making
By: Addison Road

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2947 days sober


“It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.” Carl Jung

Have you ever heard of the 99 vs 1 philosophy? It’s not listed on the internet anywhere, I checked……however one of my mentors in AA told me about it years ago when I called to verbally vomit on how all was wrong with the world. It’s when I focus on that one situation, problem, resentment, obstacle, fear, etc. that is going on in my life despite the 99 things that are right. I will give my permission let that “one” thing ruin my attitude, mood, my whole stinking day instead of looking at how things really are.

My life is simply amazing!!! I’m not bragging, it’s just that I have an awesome family, friends, husband, child, job, sponsor, sponsees, etc. I have moments of complete peace and serenity. I am sober by God’s amazing grace! For the most part I am as grateful as I know how to be! But then, dun dun dun ……One thing doesn’t go to my liking, live up to my expectations, changes the direction that I told God to make the wind blow and I am stuck on that ONE thing and can see nothing else!

So what did I choose to focus on yesterday? The feeling that I have friends that have walked out of my life. Notice I said feeling not FACT! I HATE it when people leave and these people in particular haven’t really gone anywhere! People have come in and out of my life and AA throughout my whole sobriety, you’d think I would get used to it! Just accept it! Let go and let God and all that CRAP! But I am not letting it go, I have let set sadness, pain, disappointment, and resentment in, at times. Not all the time…..it just creeps in and out. See these people in particular were ones that I considered FAMILY! My husband’s best of friends! I just don’t get why they leave? Or why them deciding that AA is not for them anymore means that WE aren’t for them anymore. It’s not like I am going to dunk them in the AA baptistry and douse them in AA holy water! If you don’t want to come to AA anymore then don’t come, but why does that mean that our relationship has to change?

If that is the only thing that is bothering me, then I think I will tell myself what I tell my sponsees at times…..”Suck it up, buttercup!” Blogging this just now opened my eyes that I am just wrapping myself up in my little blanket of selfpity! I already know I don’t like change, this is not news to me! So I am going to trust in the FACT that God knows what is going on with me and He will give me what I need.

“Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well” BB page 63

So in the last analysis….I had a great holiday season. I spent many memorable moments around the people that I love the most. Christmas was fabulous! My son is one month shy of being 6 years old, so it gave me great joy to watch the wonder in his eyes, as well as the greed! HAHA!!! My husband and I both celebrated our sobriety birthdays in December. He has 9 years and I have 8. I have everything to be grateful for and should stay in that place of infinite gratitude however, I AM alcoholic!

 

Halloween Eve


I guess I’ve been a little nostalgic the last day or so. My first sobriety date was 10/30/04. I started this journey 9 years ago!!! Crazy that it has been long! I don’t see my relapse as having lost something, I really gained more experience and was truly able to concede to my innermost self that I am definitely alcoholic! So no regret! I had no idea 9 years ago what I was getting myself into but I was certain that I didn’t wanna live and be like I was. I was just dead on the inside.

Busy busy busy! But that is what a life of sobriety has given me…. A FULL Life! I’ve grown up and learned how to be a lady, although I don’t always act like it! I learned how to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and especially how to be a friend! I wasn’t really any good at any of those before sobriety. I guess I had my moments at times but I was never someone you could truly rely on.

“He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave.” Big Book page 164

AA has taught me how to suit up and show up in all areas of my life; work, family, service work, friendship etc. As a direct result of that, I have a very full life and many precious friends. That is 9 years worth of relationships that I have had the joy and sometimes the pain of developing. Some are here, some have moved, some don’t come around much, some aren’t sober anymore, and some have passed away. I wouldn’t trade any of those precious moments with any of those people for anything!

What’s funny to me is, I never would have thought that all of this that I have is what I truly wanted. But I also have learned if I wanna keep what I have, I have to continue to do “the work”! Practice the principles in all my affairs. That’s what the 12th step says.

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to you fellows. Clear away the wreckage of you past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.” Big Book page 164

Pretty clear directions of what I have to do to continue to grow along this spiritual path that I am on. That’s why my name is trudgingdestiny. It’s what I am doing everyday….. By the Grace of God.

Taking a Spiritual Dump


My introduction to step 4 the first time went something like this….. My sponsor asked me, “Are you powerless over alcohol?” I said, “Yes!” (I know now I didn’t even really know what she was asking nor what my answer meant). She then asked, “Do you believe in a Power greater than your self?” I said, “Yes!” The we prayed the 3rd step prayer and I started writing a 4th step. I was less than a month sober at the time. I went to the library and defined every possible word I could on those worksheets that she gave me. Selfish, Self-esteem, Pride, Ambition, etc. I wanted it to be perfect. I thought it had to be or I would get drunk!

It really didn’t take me to terribly long to do the 4th step in this way, the check off form worksheet method. I got it all completed and prepared to do my 5th step and was nervous as hell. I had never said a lot of these things out loud nor admitted them to myself much less to another person. But I was willing to do whatever it took to get over this life threatening disease that I had figured out that I had. It was on a Sunday and I will never forget it! I told her all that garbage that I had been carrying for 27 years. We laughed, cried, and I realized that I was a very petty person.

She gave me the instructions for my hour of meditation & prayer and I went to do 6&7. I don’t know what the hell happened! I can’t even write well enough to explain it! I was free! I have never felt that light in all my life and I am not sure I have felt that way since that day! I think I could have floated away on a cloud if the just the right wind had blown by. I was lighter than air. I wanted to sing and I AM NOT a good singer. I am a car/shower type singer and I couldn’t have cared less if the whole world could hear me sing. I might have auditioned for American Idol had they been in town. It gives me chills to even think about it!

Knowing what I do now about the information that I didn’t know about the book or my disease, I missed a lot doing the steps in this manner. But I got the effect promised to me in our literature anyways!

“Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.” Big Book page 75

See, I was willing, honest, and open-minded! These, it tells me are indispensable. I have since, been through the book many times; line by line, word for word, with a sponsor. I have never done another 4th step in this manner. They have all been fully written out with all the columns not a check off form My sponsors have made me write not just what was affected but how. They have also made me look at not if I was selfish but how I was selfish. A lot more in depth, but that’s ok because……

“We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path.” Big Book page 72

If that is the point, then if I want more, I must look deeper and I must do more. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like every time I get to my 4th step again I jump for joy and do back flips! But I do know that God always has something in store for me on the other side! My Sponsor tells me the greater the doubt, the greater the awakening! I believe her.

I get the privilege of listening to my sponsee 5th step tonight. When I was telling my sponsor I was nervous about messing up she reminded me that I am just there to listen to her take a spiritual dump so that she can walk a way a little lighter because all that baggage is gonna be gone. I laughed! So here’s to my sponsee and her spiritual dump! I am so grateful I get to be a part of her walk into the Sunlight of the Spirit!

Jose Quervo


When I was growing up, we cleaned house every Saturday morning while listening to country music either on the radio or on our vinyl records. I have fond memories of singing The Oak Ridge Boys, Alabama, Kenny Rodgers, Neil Diamond and many others with my mom on Saturdays while cleaning. One song I particularly liked as a child was Jose Quervo by Shelly West. Of course when it topped the charts in 1983 when I was 6, I had no idea that it would 21 years later it would almost be the story of my daily life.

It came out 30 years ago and I heard it on the radio today. I cannot tell you the last time I actually heard it….. probably years ago, but when it came on today I sang every word!!!

Well its Sunday morning
And the sun is shining in my
Eye that is open
And my head is spinning
Was the life of the party
I can’t stop grinning
I had too much tequila last night

Jose Quervo
You are a friend of mine
I like to drink you with
A little salt and lime
Did I kiss all the cowboys
Did I shoot out the lights
Did I dance on the bar
Did I start any fights

Now wait a minute
Things don’t look to familiar
Who is the cowboy who’s sleeping beside me
Well he’s awful cute
But how’d I get his shirt on
I had too much tequila last night

Jose Quervo
You are a friend of mine
I like to drink you with
A little salt and lime
Did I kiss all the cowboys
Did I shoot out the lights
Did I dance on the bar
Did I start any fights

All those little shooters
How I love to drink them down
Come on bartender lets have another round
Well the music is playing
And my spirits are high
Tomorrow might be painful
But tonight we’re going to fly

Jose Quervo
You are a friend of mine….. You get the picture!

It also strikes me as funny that I remember liking that song so much as a child. I was 6 and I know I had NO clue what it was about. It was just a fun song that pretty much could have been my anthem, now that I read the lyrics in black and white. Its not like I think it predestined me to be an alcoholic anymore than my potty training did, I just find it funny.

I’m a song lyric girl. I like beats too, but I love lyrics. I always have! Just asked my husband! He makes fun of me all the time for what he says is terrible taste in music but it is mine!!! It’s not hip, it’s not really cool, but most of the time it does have meaning to me. That being said I like the lyrics to Aerosmith’s Amazing

It’s Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It’s Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
It’s Amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

Today, I can’t imagine living my life like the lyrics of Jose Quervo! Not that I think it could never happen again for I am not cured of alcoholism. But I do know what to do to keep my disease in an arrested state. To keep “the beast” on lock down it does take work. The Big Book says, “Simple, but not easy, a price had to be paid.” So I will keep paying the price because it is far cheaper than what I would pay for “blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation.” This sober life is the greatest gift I have ever been given, thanks to Gods grace, willingness, honesty and open-mindedness. I am truly blessed!

Staying Alive


A girl told me today that I am such a good person! If she only knew! The truth is I am not. The longer I stay in the program the sicker I realize that I am, not that I was. They told me in the beginning that I was going to act myself into “right thinking” not think myself into acting right. Well that has turned out to be true. The Big Book says “When the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically.” page 64.

My brain still tells me all kinds of crazy things and I believe all kinds of delusional thoughts, fears, and ideas that can get me into all sorts of troubles. Nearly 8 years off what my friend calls “the sauce” and this mess in between my ears is still not a credible source. Thank God for friends who love me enough to tell me the truth, hurt my feelings and for strong Big Book sponsorship, I have learned it matters what I DO. So I DO A LOT. I move my feet A LOT in AA. I was taught that early on and that has been a saving grace for me.

Alcohol is a subtle foe and I am not exempt to what Earl Hightower calls “The Beast”. That sucker will tell me all sorts of craziness at any time. The funny thing about this spiritually fit thing is that I usually don’t know that I am spiritually fit in the moment…… I figure it out after the fact. So staying busy in action in AA is a very good thing for this girl!

I don’t keep my mouth shut because I shouldn’t say what has come to my brain, most of the time I do it because I DO NOT like making amends. I go places at all hours of the night because the book tells me I should act the Good Samaritan everyday. I answer the phone because our literature tells me that my life depends upon constant thoughts of others and how I may help meet their needs.

So NO, I AM NOT a good person but AA has taught me how to be a better person than I ever imagined I could be and believe me it has paid me more dividends than I ever could have imagined!

“Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect — unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.” – 12 and 12 page  24

I Hate This Disease!


“As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did—then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!…….He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.” excerpt from Big Book pages 151,152

I found out last night that this disease took yet another of my friends! Damnit!  I hear people say that sometimes others have to die so that we can stay sober and I just don’t subscribe to that. I believe that we all have a chance to live. Nobody else needs to die for me to stay sober. You can believe whatever you want…… If that is your truth then great! It simply is not mine.

It breaks my heart that this man is gone from this earth and the pain I know his family is going through! He was there in my early sobriety and you just don’t forget those people that make such an impact in your life when you are going through such an overhaul in the way you live. He was hilarious!!! Had a great sense of humor and could make anyone smile!

What a reminder of the seriousness of this disease I have! That it can take life at any moment! That I am truly on a life and death errand. That all this work that I do for my own sobriety that I bitch about and the service work that I do really does have a purpose if it helps just one person. The thing is, I don’t get to choose who that person is so I just have to keep saying “yes” just in case. Isn’t that what the responsibility statement asks of us? “I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.”

My belief is that AA is not for people that need it because we’d have a 10% of the population as active members because that the estimated number of alcoholics there are (so I have heard…. I have never actually researched it myself). It’s not for people that want it either because I have been around scores of alcoholics that wanted to be sober and are not. The want what the program has to offer but wanting it alone is not sufficient to attain a spiritual experience. I believe AA is only successful for those who DO IT. I mean DO ALL OF IT! The steps, the meetings, sponsorship, service, the fellowship, inventory, prayer, meditation, sacrifice, love, tolerance, answer the phone, honesty, amends, etc. I fail! We all fail! But there is always a step and someone with experience with where we are at to help us get back on track and on the AA beam.

I pray everyday for the alcoholic who still suffers and sometimes the alcoholic who is suffering is sitting right next to me in my home group with a whole lot of days since their last drink.

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