The Living Christmas Tree

I didn’t really want to “belong” in AA as well as I did. It’s not like when I had that “AAAHHHH” moment, when the noise in my head was finally quiet the night I took my first drink did I think that 10 years later I’d end up knocking on AA’s door. But I had gotten to the point that the person I saw when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t know or recognize. There was no light in my eyes, just darkness and pain. The more I learned about this disease called alcoholism, the more I knew that I had it. Before I got sober, I used to joke that I was a drunk and that alcoholics go to meetings.

I sat in meetings knowing that I had alcoholism for 13 months. With every little monthly medallion I picked up including my year chip, I thought I was really doing something. I thought I was special. I’d listen to people share about their selfishness and I would think to myself, “thank God I am not that bad.” What happened was this….. I have had some reoccurring health issues for the majority of my adult life which has afforded me the awesome experience of 3 surgeries and a handful of hospitalizations. One of these surgeries and hospitalizations happened around this 13 month mark.

In my mind God had, one more time, ignored my requests and I was ate up with untreated alcoholism. In the matter of moments what I had learned about the mental obsession gripped me. I lied, manipulated and conned my mother into handing over pain meds that I knew that she had and I took them. I was completely unaware of what I was doing or the consequences of my actions at the moment that it happened. I was gripped by this obsession and until I was so stoned and nodding out while sitting in a church watching a Christmas pageant, I didn’t know I’d done anything wrong. Then my thoughts were ” What have I done? How did this happen?” It happened just like the Big Book warned that it would without a thought of any consequence!

So great!!!! I got to re-establish and not even get drunk and I am a drinker, a drunk, a sot! That’s even what I told my friend that picked me up the night I went to pick up my new desire chip and claim my new sobriety date. I was angry at first, I’m not gonna lie! But, the truth is this, what I had learned about the mental obsession prior to the first drink was mainly academic at that time. My last few years were just flat out spree drinking with not even a desire to slow down much less quit.

The anger subsided when I realized a few things…. 1) If I’d taken a drink after those pills I’m sure it would have been a much longer time before I would have returned to sobriety. 2) God’s grace saved me from a worse relapse but ensured me that I absolutely had experience with the obsession. 3) I’m extremely selfish and was delusional when I thought that I was better than the other people in AA. 4) Someday, what I thought to be such a humiliating experience  will help someone else. That was almost 8 years ago and I thank God for the grace He showed me in that experience and what I have learned about myself since.


Which pair of shoes

“What’s your drug of choice?” One of the many questions I have been asked that didn’t make a lick of sense to me! I had no idea I ever had to choose! My answer was  this, “Whatcha got?” I always did whatever I or you had or could get access to. At the tender age of 16, I told my mother I was never going to drink, do drugs or have sex out of wedlock and I broke all 3 within a year. I never went out to become an addict, alcoholic or a slut but that IS what happened.

I took my first drink at 17 at the County Fair. So VERY TEXAN of me!!! I had just broke up with my first boyfriend and I was drinking at him (I was a late bloomer). I don’t remember getting slobbering drunk but I do remember dancing a lot, which I was always too afraid to do before Talking to people I never had the nerve to before and I kissed my recent ex-boyfriend’s best friend! . Alcohol (Boone’s Farm) shut down all the noise in my head. Noise that I can always remember having that said, “they are looking at you, you don’t have on the right clothes, the right shoes, you aren’t funny, that’s last weeks hairstyle, everyone knows(what they know I have no clue) you aren’t enough, you are too short, tall, fat, skinny, white, freckled, etc.” All  I knew was that from that night forward is that I was going to drink again! I had to! It made being sober tolerable for me.  

I had drank every single day since my last geographical change which was the last 18 months before I got sober and almost everyday for the 2 years prior to that. I was only hooked on meth for the last 3 months but when I got to the half-way house (rom here forward I will refer to as The Faith) all I could see was that I was an addict. Thank God those people let me figure out that I was an alcoholic and thank God I was ope enough to look at that. I was required to go to a book study meeting. For those of you who aren’t in recovery, the book we study is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That book saved my life because it introduced me to a God that I could rely on to keep me sober. We were reading a story called “Crossing the River of Denial”

She finally realized that when she enjoyed her drinking, she couldn’t control it, and when she controlled it, she couldn’t  enjoy it.”

That story was so very much like my own personal story!, It opened my eyes to that cold hard truth that I was, am and to my understanding will always be an alcoholic!!! My old sponsor would say, “Once a pickle, always a pickle! You can never be a cucumber again!” I thank God I was open-minded enough to see the truth that day! The acknowledgement and acceptance of that truth in my life has paved the way for me to be free from the bounds of Alcoholism provided I continue to practice the principle that AA has taught me to live by.

My husband is an analogy guy… When choosing a “drug of choice” he uses a shoe analogy. Say you have a pair of red shoes and a pair of blue shoes. Your family falls on really hard times and you must sell one pair of shoes to be able to survive. So I decide to sell the blue shoes. For me that would say that my red shoes are most certainly my favorite shoes, the ones that I don’t want to live without. It I use that same analogy with my alcohol and drugs. I was ready to give up the drugs but I had every intention of doing my 4 month commitment at The Faith and then drinking when I got out. Meaning that Alcohol was my red shoes. Not only was it my favorite but the root of my problem.

What I Was Like

My name is *@%$$ and I am an Alcoholic! 🙂 and for the purpose of the this blog I choose to be anonymous. I have been sober for 7.77 years today, Pretty neat if you believe in lucky numbers, but I don’t! What I was like prior to coming to AA 7.77 years ago was a stinking mess! I had no interpersonal skills, no brain to mouth filter, was living in my car of which I was one car payment away from losing. I had been recently fired from my job, was arrested for a felony possession of a controlled substance, misdemeanor possession of marijuana and DWI #2 while already on probation for DWI #1….. at the time I jokingly called this my “full house” so much for luck!. I called my dad from jail and he hung up on me so to say my family relations were good would be a lie!

I was 28 years old was drinking at least an 18 pack to a case a day and that didn’t include what I bought at the bar and it also didn’t include my other “habits”.  (ok I did this anonymous thing on purpose but still with all the work I have done in AA is hard to see in black and white and when I hit finish it is out there….. I digress) So habits means marijuana, meth, coke and “what else do ya got?” I am 5’8″ and I weighed 115lbs and I was never a model or asked to be….I was just a strung out alcoholic and I had no idea!

When I got bonded out of jail, my bail bondsmen suggested I go to treatment because the Judge might go easier on me. A friend of mine picked me up and kept me high for the next few days while I guess I pondered the “treatment” idea. I finally found somewhere to take me which was difficult since I had no insurance after being fired from my job. I was also told this list was longer for me because I wasn’t using IV drugs, and I didn’t have kids. I told one intake  counselor that I knew some people that used IV’s and knew how to get pregnant and I could call him back in a few days and he told me not to do that!!! I told him that I was finally serious about doing something and he said he was sorry I would just have to wait!!!!

I did find a place that would take me and it ended up being a half-way house although I didn’t know that until I got there. Probably a good thing too, I would have never went I thought that half-way houses were for mentally ill people! HAHA I had NO idea just how mentally ill I really was!!! I used the whole 4 hour drive up there, cleaned up in a hotel, snorted another line, smoked another bowl and checked myself in just after 8 in the morning.

I lied to the Director about being sober when I got there, found out it was a half-way house and told him I needed treatment. He asked me to hang around and go to the noon meeting and talk to him afterward, so I did. I mean mugged everyone there and tried to stay to myself I didn’t want anybody near me!!!  I went to the noon meeting and I CRACKED!!! I couldn’t do anything but cry the whole time! I was SO broken! I didn’t know how to say that I hurt, that I was empty, that I had nothing, that I was nothing, that I was finished. I hated me, my life, what I had become. That alcohol and drugs were my master. I had no light, no smile, no hope! The people just held my hands and said, “Welcome home”


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