Misunderstood


It is no secret that I have been an anger ball, especially before I got sober. Well….. for quite sometime after that and during certain periods of my sobriety too. I have never been one to back down from a fight, much less just start one for whatever reason I deemed necessary at the time. I genetically have a predisposition to frowning, I get that naturally from my dad. He looks stern and mad at the world but is a genuinely happy and content. I, on the other hand, look stern and mad at the world and sometimes I am.

Before I got sober, people used to approach me at the bar and asked why I didn’t smile. My response was usually, “Maybe your mere presence just pisses me off” or “what’s it to you?” or “get the #@(% away from me!” I was so warm and fuzzy…. NOT!

I can really relate to the Hulk in the Avengers movie.
Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner, now might be a good time for you to get angry.
Bruce Banner: That’s my secret, Captain: I’m always angry.
[Banner hulks out and punches the Leviathan]

This has gotten much better in sobriety. I don’t get asked about my smile anymore. However, my general facial expression apparently is not always welcoming either. “Betty” a good friend of mine in the Program, told me when I was about 1-2 years sober that I was going to have to accept the fact that I am unapproachable. She said, “I know you are because I am too.” At the time it hurt my feelings, but over time I saw it’s upside and that I was not the only one. People don’t come whine to me about menial things. People sucked up in self-pity don’t approach me for attention. Nor do they look to me to co-sign on their B.S.

More often than not, after I’ve known someone for a while…..then comes the confession. It usually sounds like one of the following…. “When I met you I thought you were a bitch but now I know better.” or “I thought you were stuck up and better than everyone when I first saw you.” or “I was afraid of you at first.” You get used to hearing these after a while and they don’t bother or surprise me anymore.

I am “armed with the fact about myself” thanks to the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous! The truth is this, I am a concrete-marshmallow! I carry around the tough outer exterior that exudes confidence and strong esteem of self but I am compassionate, caring, and vulnerable. I will do everything I possibly can for the still suffering alcoholic. And because of this internal vulnerability, when I do get my feelings hurt…. I go ANGER first and have the capability to cause immense damage. This makes me very grateful for the spiritual principle of Step 9 when I do make the mistake of letting my anger get the best of me!

“The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear” 12 & 12 page 76

Me knowing that this is a defect of my character is of no use unless I am willing to have God remove it because it is objectionable to me. My experience with this is that I have asked for God to remove “the bitch” on many, many
occasions. In fact, I have begged Him at times. But what I have come to realize and to accept to some degree is that maybe God needs that part of me. Maybe sometimes He needs someone that is blunt and straight forward. Maybe He has use for a “Marine 1st Sargent” which is my dear friend “Kit” calls me.

Check out the link below….. you may know someone like me too!

http://totalsororitymove.com/chronicles-of-a-girl-with-chronic-bitch-face/

I am flawed and will never be perfect but at least I have a fighting chance at happiness with AA, sponsorship, God, and constant practice of 10, 11, and 12!

Advertisements

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Shame Doesn't Define Me
    Feb 23, 2014 @ 18:00:57

    You rock. This came to me at the perfect time; I am just embarking on step 4 and one of my resentments is my “bitch face” and others’ perception that I am “abrasive” and have been told that people don’t want to get on my bad side. Yikes. Guess I left the warm and fuzzy self out. You’re so frank but you don’t beat yourself up either. Fantastic.
    Linda

    Reply

    • trudgingdestiny
      Feb 23, 2014 @ 18:07:19

      It’s taken a long time for me to just see it for what it is and to not hate this part of me. From one “bitch face” to another…. I hope you enjoyed the link! I don’t see this part of me as an asset but I’m done beating myself up for only seeing it as a liability!

      Reply

  2. mike
    Feb 27, 2014 @ 04:52:16

    Holy Smokes! You just told my story.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Uncle Pete's DFW Sports Ring

When sports imitates life, and vice versa.

Logical Quotes

Logical and Inspirational Quotes

Recoverywise

Live Recovery Wisely

I Haven't Shaved In 6 Weeks

All The Truths About Eating Disorders, Rehab and Recovery

Infactorium

Sober Science.

My journey, from wine lover to sober and happy...

There are thousands of people over at Soberistas.com supporting one another in achieving a happy and healthy alcohol-free life. You can find out more about joining our online community at soberistas.com

Rebirth:

A woman's journey of rediscovering life after alcohol

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

trudgingdestiny

It's about the journey not the destination

Soberman

"What makes Soberman a hero is not that he has power, but that he has the wisdom and the maturity to use the power wisely"

little life experiments.

a humble attempt to change on purpose.

A Spiritual Evolution

Alcoholism recovery in light of a Near Death Experience

Bridging Hope for Recovery

Official Blog of Bridges of Hope Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Center

Daily Reprieve

A Shared Exploration of Sober Living

Day by Day

Rewriting the heart and letting go.

beingblonde70

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

Climbing Out Of The Well

Life of a Recovering Alcoholic, Food Addict, Schizoaffective, Child Abuse Survivor, Christian

%d bloggers like this: