I Hate This Disease!

“As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did—then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!…….He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.” excerpt from Big Book pages 151,152

I found out last night that this disease took yet another of my friends! Damnit!  I hear people say that sometimes others have to die so that we can stay sober and I just don’t subscribe to that. I believe that we all have a chance to live. Nobody else needs to die for me to stay sober. You can believe whatever you want…… If that is your truth then great! It simply is not mine.

It breaks my heart that this man is gone from this earth and the pain I know his family is going through! He was there in my early sobriety and you just don’t forget those people that make such an impact in your life when you are going through such an overhaul in the way you live. He was hilarious!!! Had a great sense of humor and could make anyone smile!

What a reminder of the seriousness of this disease I have! That it can take life at any moment! That I am truly on a life and death errand. That all this work that I do for my own sobriety that I bitch about and the service work that I do really does have a purpose if it helps just one person. The thing is, I don’t get to choose who that person is so I just have to keep saying “yes” just in case. Isn’t that what the responsibility statement asks of us? “I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.”

My belief is that AA is not for people that need it because we’d have a 10% of the population as active members because that the estimated number of alcoholics there are (so I have heard…. I have never actually researched it myself). It’s not for people that want it either because I have been around scores of alcoholics that wanted to be sober and are not. The want what the program has to offer but wanting it alone is not sufficient to attain a spiritual experience. I believe AA is only successful for those who DO IT. I mean DO ALL OF IT! The steps, the meetings, sponsorship, service, the fellowship, inventory, prayer, meditation, sacrifice, love, tolerance, answer the phone, honesty, amends, etc. I fail! We all fail! But there is always a step and someone with experience with where we are at to help us get back on track and on the AA beam.

I pray everyday for the alcoholic who still suffers and sometimes the alcoholic who is suffering is sitting right next to me in my home group with a whole lot of days since their last drink.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. shoe1000
    Oct 13, 2013 @ 11:08:45

    Nice post,
    What I learned is that one of the biggest killers of people with long term sobriety is suicide because of depression. I have almost 26 years and was diagnosed with depression 3 years ago. Many of my friends struggle with it today.
    The sad part about AA is not is not any less in denial than is the general population.
    Read if you would, the last paragraph of pg 79 of the 12 by 12 and the rest of that paragraph on page 80. I believe that it is my disease and most people in AA have the similar dis-ease


    • trudgingdestiny
      Oct 13, 2013 @ 14:21:04

      I read what you asked. Never noticed that part in our literature or never read it with the reference of depression in mind. Very enlightening. So thanks! I too have struggled with depression on and off. For me, especially in sobriety, the times I have struggled the most were times I have turned my back on what was working which was the program. But that was my story and not everyone’s. I isolated from everyone and the program by the Grace of God didn’t get loaded. It was a lower bottom than when I came in spiritually and emotionally and there was no relief for it until I got back into “the work”. I heard a speaker say once that Suicide is a middle of the road solution for us. Explaining that we can’t imagine going back to drinking nor living the way we are living so suicide becomes the answer. I’m so sad today about my friend and so terribly sad for his parents and family!


  2. Jamez
    Oct 13, 2013 @ 11:13:57

    I’m sorry for your loss – it hurts when we lose people. For me it especially hurts when I lose people from the program that inspired, taught or shared with me special things that I still rely on today.

    I agree with what you say about those of us that DO IT… ALL OF IT… not just the fellowship, not just the book… three sides of that triangle and they all matter very much.

    Remember this loss, learn from it, use it as an example if you can.


    • trudgingdestiny
      Oct 13, 2013 @ 14:11:54

      Thanks for your kind words! I will always remember my friend! It used to make me want to back off from people and not let them be close to me but that is no way to live! Everyone deserves a chance! I wish he were still here with us! But all I can do is continue to carry THE message and let God do His work through me. 🙂


  3. Trackback: 35 Ways You Know You’re in Early Sobriety | sobriety unplugged
  4. runningonsober
    Oct 16, 2013 @ 17:44:08

    Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

    I hate this disease too.



  5. anonymousonetoo
    Feb 28, 2014 @ 12:20:48

    I have a ‘whole lot of days sober’ but I also have a defect of character that makes working the program damn hard for me. Sloth. I am a victim of my own sloth and I have as yet been unable to overcome it. I have 34 years sober but it’s been a very hard road to get here, because of this character defect that God stubbornly refuses to remove from me. I have tried to overcome it myself over many years, but it’s hardly budged. It really, really gets in the way of working my program and I don’t have clue one about how to deal with it by myself. I’m not looking for answers, I just thought I’d say this. I really appreciate your blog.


    • trudgingdestiny
      Feb 28, 2014 @ 12:33:30

      I get it! I really do! I will procrastinate and put off seeking the solution until I almost break. I know doing “the work” is the easier softer way for me but I fight it at times. I have also had it hammered into me that it is irrelevant if I want to take action. I’m just reminded to do it whether I want to or not. Because it only matters what I do, not what I feel. So that has helped me a lot through the years! Good luck and stick with it! Amything is better than what it used to be!


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