Which pair of shoes


“What’s your drug of choice?” One of the many questions I have been asked that didn’t make a lick of sense to me! I had no idea I ever had to choose! My answer was  this, “Whatcha got?” I always did whatever I or you had or could get access to. At the tender age of 16, I told my mother I was never going to drink, do drugs or have sex out of wedlock and I broke all 3 within a year. I never went out to become an addict, alcoholic or a slut but that IS what happened.

I took my first drink at 17 at the County Fair. So VERY TEXAN of me!!! I had just broke up with my first boyfriend and I was drinking at him (I was a late bloomer). I don’t remember getting slobbering drunk but I do remember dancing a lot, which I was always too afraid to do before Talking to people I never had the nerve to before and I kissed my recent ex-boyfriend’s best friend! . Alcohol (Boone’s Farm) shut down all the noise in my head. Noise that I can always remember having that said, “they are looking at you, you don’t have on the right clothes, the right shoes, you aren’t funny, that’s last weeks hairstyle, everyone knows(what they know I have no clue) you aren’t enough, you are too short, tall, fat, skinny, white, freckled, etc.” All  I knew was that from that night forward is that I was going to drink again! I had to! It made being sober tolerable for me.  

I had drank every single day since my last geographical change which was the last 18 months before I got sober and almost everyday for the 2 years prior to that. I was only hooked on meth for the last 3 months but when I got to the half-way house (rom here forward I will refer to as The Faith) all I could see was that I was an addict. Thank God those people let me figure out that I was an alcoholic and thank God I was ope enough to look at that. I was required to go to a book study meeting. For those of you who aren’t in recovery, the book we study is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That book saved my life because it introduced me to a God that I could rely on to keep me sober. We were reading a story called “Crossing the River of Denial”

She finally realized that when she enjoyed her drinking, she couldn’t control it, and when she controlled it, she couldn’t  enjoy it.”

That story was so very much like my own personal story!, It opened my eyes to that cold hard truth that I was, am and to my understanding will always be an alcoholic!!! My old sponsor would say, “Once a pickle, always a pickle! You can never be a cucumber again!” I thank God I was open-minded enough to see the truth that day! The acknowledgement and acceptance of that truth in my life has paved the way for me to be free from the bounds of Alcoholism provided I continue to practice the principle that AA has taught me to live by.

My husband is an analogy guy… When choosing a “drug of choice” he uses a shoe analogy. Say you have a pair of red shoes and a pair of blue shoes. Your family falls on really hard times and you must sell one pair of shoes to be able to survive. So I decide to sell the blue shoes. For me that would say that my red shoes are most certainly my favorite shoes, the ones that I don’t want to live without. It I use that same analogy with my alcohol and drugs. I was ready to give up the drugs but I had every intention of doing my 4 month commitment at The Faith and then drinking when I got out. Meaning that Alcohol was my red shoes. Not only was it my favorite but the root of my problem.

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